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InquisitorOfLife
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Name: Magdalena/Magda/Magz
Country: United States
State: New York
Gender: Female
Interests: film.photography.music.books.people.psychology.languages and travel.
Expertise: Living and Loving Life
Occupation: Filmmaker.Photographer.Artist
Industry: Film/PsychEE
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  MagzUK
Member Since:
6/10/2004
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| for the first time in a long time i feel extra happy. tomorrow is a big stats exam, but i know i can do it. i have to. i signed up for this and now here i am excited to deal with it. somehow i know i will be alright. psych has always rocked for sure, i wish i hadn't sidetracked from it a while back, BUT, i don't see myself being here today without having encountered my film buddies...and having that time in film school...which can still come in handy, let's not forget that!!! i can still direct films in the future..
also, got back today from a weekend away camping with the boyfriend and his friends. it was very worthwhile especially since i love the outdoors almost as much as the boyfriend himself.
it was a great weekend for the Dave and I for sure - just lots of staring that communicated more than i needed to know. writing this right now seems pointless as i miss him so and it's all just another wait to see him again. i suppose when you date someone you're always waiting to see them again and the best of times seem to fly by so quick you almost can't capture the essence of time before it's all over...and then back to your job, back to school...and lately, i've been thinking.....am i doing this school stuff to end up working so while working, i can make time for the awesome stuff, which will be my life with Daveness?
it seems like all we do is work hard to make and find time for the small brief moments of pure joy...and it's always all over, back to the cycle...and then we age, we celebrate birthdays, holidays, seasons come and go..and somehow this is what life is all about?
i have so much ahead of me, i know i will end up in amazing places meeting some amazing people. i am just on the edge of the life of exciting adventure and unavoidable fun......each year seems to be getting better.....the downfall year for me was 2007....where everything was going like hell, both my mind, as i was overly smoking pot and heavily partying, which lead to cutting my hair off in resentment of so much of what that long black hair represented...(stupid boyfriend in Poland who was the biggest mistake in dating in history of dating) and so the lack of hair made me crazy and i just lost my mind completely and almost flunked an entire semester at school and lost everything that i treasured close to me...mainly a reason for living and happiness...it was all gone.....just dead. like the sound of silence without the hum of silence...just pure..emptiness.
Dave saved me. I don't think I could ever begin to explain how much his presence not only helped but put me back to reality....all together....
Thinking about it now makes me sad since I was never sure I could go back to life that i wanted to have or that i would find happiness in....i really saw the end of things at the end of 2007....
Also, not to mention Laura was there every week in Spring of this year telling me not to give up on film either....trying to get me to go to class..until I realized everything was wrong....everything about my life.....but Dave...and his belief in me that I can do what i want....and be happy.
A year from now I will have long graduated college..and I cannot wait to blog about it..since knowing college is over, will be the first end of my struggles....because it's college that has so many of my memories that aren't exactly positive and worth remembering....but it has been a really diverse experience of college for sure....something i can use for a future novel....or film scripts....
Cheers to the future I cannot wait to live in...and the hard work now is worth it. Every penny.
PEACE LOVE AND HAPPINESS (4ever)
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|  ------> I am pleased! Yup - what a Saturday...what a beginning of the summer....it seems that karma has finally been paying off...I go to random places for no reason and meet people who turn out to be those I can start secret clicks with and those who happen to be near people I know..so future hang-outs are a-guaranteed....and of course my mellow, open-minded attitude allows for others to enter my life and have them see that I welcome all walks of life...you can never know too many people and knowing the most diverse groups is even a bonus!
I've realized this when I started high school...as a sophomore mind you, so only had those three years of glory...and I've found that the types of people I am attracted to the most (not for relationships only, but also for and mainly friendships) are those who are extremely philosophical and artistically inclined...they make philosophy of their art, and art of their philosophy...they are musicians, painters, singers, photographers, lovers of life for sure, who embrace a lot of what I enjoy embracing, which is usually everything apart from the negative, violent aspects of life.
One might say that I am a hippie at heart, and the children of hippies are we who come together in this day and age to mingle and talk and to lounge on beaches in comfortable silences.
And the most important revelation...is that the happier I've become over the past two months..the more new people have been asking to hang with me, and so the happier I grow, the more social I become.
I always loved that I was who I was as a person (secretly thanking my genes, ethnicity and brain) and today, I am extra happy that I am who I am and that I am still progressing forward to become the person I want to be...and that is someone who makes a difference in the lives of others...even more than I have already been able to.
Lastly, there isn't a day I feel grateful for all those who have entered my life and left it, only to leave me changed and inspired even more....thank you....and if those are still in my life, then I am even luckier.
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| There are some nights like today when everyone is asleep and I am still in my textbooks trying to immerse myself in as much psychology knowledge as possible - not always an easy task. The world is quiet and my mind is fast pacing with thoughts of grandeur, with thoughts of a life that I am not sure I'll ever have or live, but still day dream about constantly...I fear that these thoughts might take over and convince my reality with my dream life....
In the end, my new found choice to study psychology does conflict with my inner desires, as the desires want to convert back to film, and I have this urge to go back to my homeland of filmmaking - to try again at film, versus trying again at life by doing something different.
Although consciously I know I've made the better choice for my sake and my sanity...and I can't help but feel a bit alone in these endeavors as I begin a new chapter of a new life with a new subject and new knowledge. I am easy to make friends, and so I have already, and the teachers are great - yet this feeling inside is grasping at me, trying and convincing me to fail again.
I feel alone and without support because everyone is for themselves and their life and problems - in the end, if you're not strong enough yourself, don't expect any one else to give you encouragement to succeed, although that kind of support would've been nice to have. I probably have people who care if I do well, just at the moment, they don't see immediate improvement in my behavior and so they are not convinced until I do graduate college with a Bachelor's in whatever, that I am more than capable of success.
I have all these inspirations to look up to and to convince myself the hardest part is getting through the feelings of wanting to sabotage success, which I have done, over and over in my life both with academia and my private life (aka relationships). I have a deeply rooted fear of success....so I succeed at failure instead...I am afraid that succeeding once will give people expectations that I am afraid of keeping up with...and this constant judging from everyone all over,this paranoia, and this constant conversation everyone is having about my life is bugging me...what does it matter who I am dating or where I am going for the night? I feel this constant updating of one's life through even facebook and myspace statuses has gone out of hand....I am so annoyed at people who can constantly update it as if to prove that people care to read it and what does it say that so many people care about it....I am jealous.
I miss the old days...
I miss going to the park and calling up each other on the house land line to ask if we can meet up to play in the park...I miss writing letters and receiving letters....(I've written way more than I received in my lifetime)..I miss bike riding, I miss roller blading...I miss walking around the neighborhood with friends talking about whatever comes to mind and worrying if we're getting into college and what it means when we part after high school....
I miss weekends where I didn't wake up with hung overs....I miss my tobacco-free lungs that once were, I miss my brain before I tried and overdid it with pot, I miss my tolerance for lines, people and their annoying personalties..I miss not having money in my wallet and therefore not buying crap I don't need, I miss knowing that everything would always be okay as long as I kept positive.. and most of all, I miss not being in this country where rushing has become a lifestyle..and relaxing is something we look forward to for months at a time....as our health deteriorates....and I miss having my family around me, aunts,uncles, cousins and grandmas, each at their own disposition, whom I could visit depending on my mood.....I miss family dinners...I miss being a big unit of family who has bonded and blended together well....they set example of how in-laws should be and I know I could never have that and so I don't want to get married probably to avoid a silly thing as non-matching in-laws..and also because I will never reach a mature age of marriage, I will always want to be my own person.....constantly trying to find manic ways to help others....and how much time have I dedicated to helping others? Probably the additional year I am spending in college ..that's how much. And as much as I have taken to write all the letters I've written and all the online hourly conversations I've had with strangers over the years....
I think I believe people are greater than they are - I always tell people what I like about them when I do and I encourage it and perhaps I have high expectations of others and so I expect so much of myself and the truth is,
I am only human. I have errors like everyone else. I fail and fall but get up again. I am learning to walk again, learning again to make it better and hopefully with each fall, I will get closer to being a fast runner, as I dash to the finish line of my success....
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| In an earlier blog that I had posted on October 22nd, 2005 - my father's mom had died, my dear grandma Maria (whose middle name I took after her) who I have not had a chance to meet as an adult - my only memories of her are vague and involve eating her cooking as she was one to feed the family with lots of good home cooked meals that my dad grew up on (he's living proof). Thus, I wasn't as close to her as I was to my great-grandma Janka, who was 97 and 3 months exactly when she passed on Monday, April 21, 2008. I had a chance to see her just last year in January 2007, when I visited my then Polish boyfriend Adam who lived a few houses down where my relatives reside. I was afraid that that would be the last time I would see her and my suspicions were correct. She was the greatest person in my family that I know of personally - she was jolly and a great story teller, even at such an age. She gave you life advice and she knew exactly how she wanted to live her life, what she was able to eat and how she was going to spend her day. She was a simpleton - since she only completed some form of elementary education in the 1920's post war time in Poland. She grew up in a small village, where she was one to always help out around the house and had about four other sisters and a brother near by. She was the last one to pass away from her siblings, but she wasn't the youngest, perhaps second or third youngest. My memories of her are vivid because instead of having a babysitter when I was attending school in Poland till the age of 9 - after school I stayed at my grandma's house, Henia, and my great-grandma, her mother, lived together. My grandma worked, but Janka was always home since when I was 9 she was 85 - and she became my best friend. I asked her to help me with my math homework, she taught me how to make pierogies, sew on buttons and we played together, all kinds of games, usually some crazy concoctions of my imagination. She was always talkative and told me stories about life and had a sense of discipline - especially about eating habits. She was the one who instilled in my mom the idea of not eating too much and she was living proof of the most non obese person in my entire family (my mom is the one to represent now - being as old as she is and not seeming so). She refused to eat at night, and only ate when she was hungry - and most of all she ate what she made herself -which is hard to conceive of in this day and age of a young person who is probably too busy to sleeo. She also read books, and listened to the radio. She lived a simple life but when she was still living on the farm, she killed chickens to make broth for soup and helped fixed up her house roof, she was a real tommy girl at heart, from my analysis of her over the years. She learned how to ride a bike at age 60 or so and she was always a fast walker, like me. But she fell a lot as she got older and her arthritis made her pains worse with age. Overall, her mind was the least decomposed at such and age and we all looked at her with joy and smiles that someone at such an age could still laugh and say a good story. She was truly remarkable and her death is a relief to all of us, since having pneumonia since January of this year made her be tied to her bed and slowly taking away parts of her health. Her painful state has ended and she has left us with a family that is closely knit and loving. May she rest in peace. Below is a photo of my grandma Henia on the right and Janka, on the left - it was her birthday last year, on January 21st.  | | |
| Hello - oddly enough I am glad I still have this website because it's been with me since I've started college and probably some significant moments of my college life have been depicted in this blog - not sure if it's ever going to be read again, but the temptation to write is here. Thus I write.
I WAS suppose to be graduating in June of this year - due to some setbacks, that graduation date has been extended to another year - but I will accomplish the goal of graduating college with a BA degree in Film Production for sure.
All of next and last year is going to be dedicated to taking classes I wish to pursue a minor in, whatever that might be, I have yet to decide.
I tried to go with Cognitive Science but taking that class only set me back further since one of the requirements was a C++ programming class which drove me nuts. I am not one to be able to handle such material, as film and hands on experience with equipment and people is my particular bowl of soup. Not much else.
I enjoy dealing with people - public relations all the way man!
In four weeks time I will be on location shooting my qualifying film or thesis film as it's more widely known. I am very excited since I just cast my lead actors and can smoothly continue to get everything else together, mainly in part locations and costumes. My crew list is coming along nicely as well, thanks to an ad I posted on Mandy.com - and with that said, I am off to do more film related planning.
This pre-production stuff never ends really - but a well prepared director is a well behaved director on set for sure. The less pressure on me with everything else but the shoot, the better.
If only that were the reality, but here I go, to pursue my official, mini directorial debut in four weeks time.
I am finally accepting my role as a filmmaker, the more I am involved in this current project title SUGARLESS BLUES - a concept I came up with in my intro. to screenwriting class.
Somehow, film seems to be a unique field since working in it, you meet people from all over the world and are offered to travel all over the world - and it only gets better and harder to deal with, depending.
My favorite saying from a friend of mine who quotes it is that "a script is an invitation to make art."
Let's make art! Let's make a short film! I am thrilled beyond words!
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